Help and Advice only please. How to get through to MIL. What do DIL need to know?

7 yrs ago when H and I first married MIL was sweet and giving. It was when she invited H's X to our wedding when things started going downhill. X had a rep for trying to get H back since I was with him. I couldn't figure out MIL. It slowly became worse each year. First it was stopping by constantly with no warning. One major thing that upset me was the holidays and b-days. Do people realize its DIL who usually get the gifts? I would always give her quality things she loved. She would make it clear I was nothing to her between the gifts given to H and the ones given to me. Yard sale last week huh? She's cold to me regardless of what I do. I've shut her out because of it as a last resort. Before that I tried to treat her like she had been treating me, it made it worse. Now it s ';me'; who's insecure and selfish';. I can't allow someone to run over me, it's my own fault if I do. How can I get through to her, talking and writing doesn't help.Help and Advice only please. How to get through to MIL. What do DIL need to know?
I can only draw on years of reading Abby and Ann to answer your question, but they've had the right of it most of the time.


Although I can't recall them using these words, it amounts to ';pick your battles';.


If you feel that MIL is acting without maturity, maybe transference with the ';insecure and selfish'; business, then you're the one who has to make the difference.


Set your boundaries! No one has the right to drop by unexpected anymore. I always call first, then show up when we agreed. Make sure that in a nonconfrontational way you've made it clear that you can have other plans, and excuse yourself without feeling a need to offer explanations.


You have insight - where you say that's it's your own fault if someone runs over you. Remember this. Look for ways to avoid the confrontations if there's a typical pattern.


Last, but certainly not least, where is ';H'; during all this? Its HIS mother, not yours! Once again, nonconfrontation comes up. Voice your concerns in a nonjudgemental way. Stick to the facts, not emotions. If you can find a way to get him to work with the situation, please try.